By Rev. Canon David B. Tabo-oy
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Matthew 18:15-,20 NIV,,
This Sunday the Gospel reading deals with ways to settle disagreements and conflicts. A well meaning person does not want any conflict or try to avoid them. Sometimes people have the impression that since we claim to be Christians, we will live in eternal harmony-even here on the earth. People have expectations that all will be in harmony and things will just be perfect, peaceful, and harmonious. Sadly, it is on the contrary. While people in the Church would try to sugarcoat them even petty disagreements would sometimes escalate into full blown conflicts. There are inevitable conflicts that occur when we pursue our own interests and needs. While we can primarily see things from our individual vantage point, others may have entirely different, conflicting points of view. Also their needs may be entirely different from our own and this factor can put us at conflict. These different needs can, in fact, be the basis of very intense misunderstanding and discord. The conflict reference in the Gospel today refers to problems in the Christian community of that time. The advice is so broad it can refer to any type of disagreement that occurs between two brothers or members of any given community.
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Once upon a time, two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in their 40 years of working together. It began with a small misunderstanding, and grew into a major difference, and finally exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence. One morning, there was a knock on Juan’s door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter’s toolbox. “I’m looking for a few days’ work,” he said. “Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there that I could help with? Yes,” said the older brother. “I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That’s my younger brother! Last week, there was a meadow between us, but he took his bulldozer and dug a small river between us. Well I’m going to do him one better. See that pile of old lumber? I want you to build an 8 foot high fence between us. Then I won’t need to see his place or his face anymore.” The carpenter said, “Show me the nails and the tools, and I’ll do a good job for you.” The older brother had to go to town, so he left for the day. At sunset, when he returned, his eyes opened wide, and his jaw dropped….for the carpenter instead of erecting a wall constructed a beautiful bridge across the man-made river. When his younger brother on the other side saw what he thought his brother has done he was moved and realized his impropriety. He ran towards the house of his brother and while in the middle of the bridge his older brother met him with open arms and tears in his eyes. In the middle of the bridge over the river that divided them, the brothers get reconciled.
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We try to avoid conflicts and seek ways and means to solve or manage them. A psychotherapist prescribes 3Cs principle decision models in mediating conflicts: Capitulation, Compromise, and Collaboration. Capitulation is “The act of surrendering or yielding; in relationship terms, capitulation often means simply giving in or giving up in a negotiation or confrontational situation for the sake of ending the conflict as quickly as possible, whether you have achieved the desired results or not (and generally the party who capitulates is the party who “gives up” the most, in exchange for early termination of a tense situation). In Capitulation, one party gets what is desired, and the other party generally does not.” Individuals with a history of low self-esteem or a low threshold for conflict are more likely to capitulate on a position than defend a line; this could be for any number of reasons, most commonly out of one form of fear or another: fear of abandonment is a big one, in which non-capitulation will cost someone the relationship s/he wants to maintain, even if it largely toxic.
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Compromise is “consent reached by mutual concessions; everyone gives up something in order to achieve a tolerable closure to a negotiation or confrontation. Unlike Capitulation, compromise often means that neither party gets exactly what is desired, but both sides can usually accept the sacrifices made on the personal level to gain some degree of acceptable overall closure or balance.” The 3rd C in the model is Collaboration. This principle is a joint process shared by two or more people to examine all the known or discoverable needs in any given situation, the known or discoverable options available for addressing those needs, and discussing how each of those outcomes addresses or affects the needs in question. In theory (and with practice) the discussions will yield increased understanding and trust that make mutual Agreement and Buy-in to any jointly-designed proposal not only possible, but likely. Both (all) parties must be equally involved in the process of examining and proposing solutions, must stay Present while discussing needs, and be honest about their buy-in, for any solution to be truly collaborative. Unlike Capitulation or Compromise, the result of collaborative solutions is all parties feeling like they have achieved what they wanted, that their individual Needs have been met, and the results support and sustain the relationship. These principle models in conflict management should reinforce the Gospel principles as Jesus taught them.
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HUMOR. There was a church where the pastor and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this began to spill over into the worship service. The first week the pastor preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director led the song, “I Shall Not Be Moved.” The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, “Jesus Paid it All.” The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, “I Love to Tell the Story.” With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led the song, “Oh Why Not Tonight?” As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.” (King Duncan, Collected Sermons)
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This same problem existed when Jesus was sharing his life and parables of insight. Human nature has not changed very much over the course of human history. It was the same before the great teacher was among us and it has remained the same since his time on earth. Jesus knew that we were going to disagree. He did not make any direct judgements but simply acknowledged the reality that it was going to happen. Jesus could have condemned disagreement and taken sides. Regarding the “right side” of the issue. With his typical wisdom, Jesus deals with the reality and the problem by sharing a parable about how to reconcile the difference of opinion and conflict that is a part of being human. A final bit of advice concludes this Gospel. It encourages us to be responsible and to remember Christ as we go through our lives together. When the inevitable conflict arises, we are confident that the spirit is with us. We can be assured that the love and care of Christ is with us as we experience and enjoy our lives. When conflict arises, we know that Jesus accepts it as part of us and he is with us as we work toward a solution that is fair to all and within full recognition of our mutual worth.
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Our Gospel lesson also reminds us of the good we can do together, and how we can do it. Jesus says, “Where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” If any group of us will gather, work, act with the Holy Spirit guiding us, with God’s spirit intentionally a part of what we do, we become much more than simply the collective number of people we are. Two becomes more than two, and three becomes more than three. The sum of our individual ideas and resources and abilities becomes much more because of the synergy that God’s presence provides.
Jesus isn’t interested in who is right or who is wrong. He only cares about getting a broken relationship fixed. Our concerns about who is right and who is wrong often lead to giving up on relationships with others. Our natural response is to wage war with the other person, but that’s not part of the blueprint God has for our lives-and that blueprint is the Bible. God’s blueprint for our lives includes having conflicting parties sit down face to face and reconcile. The process of reconciliation is helped by prayer. When we are involved in conflict, we need to seek direction in prayer. If an outcome or resolution is reached through prayer, it will be accepted by God. Living a Christian life within a community of faith is not easy and demands some maturity from us. We have to determine how to love one another. It is more than being nice. Real love in our world requires informed thought and tough choices.(sermonthatworks.com)
Let us pray.
Grant us, O Lord, to trust in you with all our hearts; for, as you always resist the proud who confide in their own strength, so you never forsake those who make their boast of your mercy; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. (Proper 18 Collect, BCP)
