From BetterHelp.com
Medically reviewed by Dawn Brown
When you have too much on your plate and things don’t seem to be going right, it can easy to get lost in negative “self-talk.”
You know this line of thought, the little voice in your head that says, “I’m lost,” “I’m weak,” “I don’t know what I’m doing.” You may know that you do it, even if you don’t always recognize when you do it.
Here, we’ll take a look at what causes negative self-talk, how it can get in your way, and how to move past it.
What causes negative “self-talk”
There’s a difference between negative self-talk and, well, thoughts. Your brain may tell you that you can’t or shouldn’t do some things because you can’t or shouldn’t do those things. For example, this article isn’t about facing your fears and trying to fly by jumping off of the garage.
Most of us have a voice that tells us that we can’t or shouldn’t do certain things, and there are times when we should listen to it. However, for some of us, this voice speaks up so loudly or so persistently that it keeps us from doing things that we can and should do. That’s a problem.
So, why do some of us have such a vocal inner critic? There are a number of potential causes.
Abuse
People who suffer emotional abuse are often told that they can’t do things that they can or should do. This is done for several reasons, depending on the goals of the abuser.
Some abusers engage in this behavior because they feel better when they make other people feel worse. Others do this because they try to make the abused feel reliant on them.
Whatever the reason, emotional abuse – repeatedly being made to feel weak or incapable – can make people feel powerless. That’s often true long after the abusive relationship is terminated.
Failure
As we’ve mentioned above, your brain telling you when you can’t do something starts out as a safety measure to keep you from doing things that you can’t do. However, your brain’s understanding of what you can and can’t do is constantly in flux. Day-to-day experiences can impact it.
If you’ve recently tried something and failed, your inner critic might still be licking its wounds. Studies have shown that, when we blame ourselves for something not working, we’re – at least temporarily – unsure of our abilities to successfully do other things.
New situations
Because our brains use past experiences to guide us moving forward, new situations can throw us for a loop. This is normal and – for most people – it’s perfectly healthy.
However, for some people, particularly people with anxiety, fear of the unknown can be incapacitating. Even if the situation shouldn’t feel scary.
Underlying mental and emotional mental health conditions
Anxiety and depression are linked to negative self-talk and low self-esteem in a number of ways. In fact, scientists aren’t entirely sure of all of the connections.
Some people believe that low self-esteem causes anxiety and depression, while others think it’s the other way around. Still, others believe that it could be some combination of the two workings together or that it depends largely on the case.
How negative self-talk gets in your way
If you spend most of your time feeling lost or overwhelmed, you might already understand how these thoughts can prevent you from living a happy and healthy life. However, many people don’t even realize that they have these thoughts or don’t realize how these thoughts are holding them back.
Negative self-talk prevents you from trying new things
Unless you’re already at the peak of your game, chances are you can only get so far doing what you’re doing now. Progress is a part of life. But, when you listen to negative self-talk, staying put can feel like the only safe thing to do. Or, at least, a safer thing to do.
Negative self-talk prevents you from trying things
What’s even worse is, when people feel lost or overwhelmed, it can feel easy to not do anything at all. Sometimes, when faced with options or obligations, people get kind of frozen and end up standing still. This can lead to a worsening of the situation as inaction leads to mounting problems.
When you feel lost, find yourself
So, when you feel lost, what can you do to find yourself? Or, better yet, how can you prevent yourself from feeling lost in the first place?
Practice mindfulness
Some people are held back for ages without even knowing it. That’s because our brains have a way of not realizing that they’re thinking. It sounds crazy, but if you’ve ever been struck by a thought while in the shower or doing the dishes, you might understand. So, how do we learn to analyze our thoughts?
Mindfulness is a great – and easy – place to start. With mindfulness meditation, you try to clear your mind by focusing on something constant – usually your breathing. This doesn’t work for long at first, but it isn’t supposed to. When a thought distracts you, take note of it and get back to focusing on nothing.
If you keep up on your mindfulness meditation, it trains you to be more aware of your thoughts during the day. That way, when an opportunity, a choice, or an obstacle comes up, and your inner critic tries to stop you, you can recognize that that’s what’s happening and change your conversation with yourself.
Instead of letting the little voice tell you that you can’t do something, ask yourself if you think you can. Remember, the idea isn’t to try things that you can’t do – it’s to try things that you might be able to. The secret to overcoming your inner critic isn’t to ignore it –because sometimes it’s right – but rather to question it.
Question your inner critic
So, you’re questioning your inner critic. What do you ask it? Now that we know why we have negative self-talk, you can pick it apart.
If your inner critic is telling you that you can’t do something, it might just be because you’re in a bad mood. Maybe something didn’t go right for you recently. Ask yourself what it was and what went wrong. If you made a mistake, learn from it instead of beating yourself up over it. If you did everything that you could and something else went wrong, stop blaming yourself.
If you’re afraid because this situation is new to you, don’t let that stop you. Ask yourself if the situation is like one that you’ve encountered before. If it is, ask yourself what you can bring from that experience to this one. If it isn’t, do some research or reach out for help and support rather than just giving up.
This last one can be tough: If you have an underlying reason for negative self-talk, like being a survivor of abuse or a mental health condition like anxiety and depression, take note of that. Is your inner critic telling you that you can’t do something because you shouldn’t do it or because of your mental health condition? It’s tough to say, “That’s just my depression talking,” but some people are able to do it.
Get some help
If that last tip applies to you and you have a hard time with it, that’s okay, it’s a tough one. But, it’s not something that you have to go through alone.
If the negative self-talk that’s keeping you from moving forward in your life is because of past traumatic experiences or an emotional health problem, don’t be afraid to get some help. This help can come from anyone, including family and friends.
For example, one classic piece of advice when dealing with feeling lost or overwhelmed is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” We didn’t suggest that because if you do have anxiety or depression, asking yourself that question can make everything so much worse. But, if you have a friend or family with you to help you through that question, it can be a helpful exercise.
For some people, you might need more help than just a friend or family member. And that’s okay too. There’s nothing wrong with talking to a professional about what to do when you feel lost or feel overwhelmed. Or with why you have those feelings in the first place.
If finding or paying for a mental health professional in your area is difficult for you, or if you would prefer not to meet with a mental health professional in your community, there are other options. One great option is to speak with a mental health professional through a secure internet connection on your phone or computer.
For more information about how meeting with a counselor or therapist can work for you, visit BetterHelp.
Moving forward
Discovering why you feel lost or overwhelmed so often and coming up with a plan to change that pattern of thinking can be difficult. However, you’ll find that it can change your life for the better as you open your mind to new opportunities and new possibilities.**
