When my head thinks too much, I find myself living no longer in the present, but inside my own head. It was always easier to focus my attention inside instead of the surroundings around me. I could talk faster, and have a conversation with whatever is inside my head in a matter of seconds. I found that ideas quickly arise from these near-delusional conversations with myself. As crazy as it sounds, the process was addicting, and at times very fun.
Though that time spent inside my head was time lost in the outside world. Everything else was moving forward while I was stuck in a daze. I could come up with some interesting things for a column this week, sure, but my conversations with other persons and focus on all things social are compromised. Time is ultimately wasted in the real world while I spend time in my own dreamland.
Like a drug addict, I unconsciously crave that moment again. Feeling incomplete without it, I almost forget what any other feeling was. It was a place of comfort for me for so long. But the real world was right outside. And I was just living in a fake one.
There are moments in life where you are forced to focus harder than you ever did at any point in your life. When you’ re pushed to the limit, your instincts take over and you stop thinking and start moving. College was the first to push me to act like an animal. Just stopped thinking so much and started acting instead.
The r e was n’ t much space in life for me to have the luxury of wandering inside my own head. To spend so much time inside with my own thoughts. There were always lessons I needed to take a second look- through. I needed to study to keep up. It was only the present that mattered, not the past, future or whatever my own thoughts managed to conjure.
From then on, my head was conditioned to have a more loose anxiety about the future. An acceptance of the regrets from the past. It was only the present that truly mattered. It was cowardice of me to hide inside my head, instead of facing all that life had prepared. Not everything in life is all bad or ugly. To truly live in the moment is to be content with the mystery of it, to expect nothing but take in whatever is in front of you.
But if one has the courage to actually live life, live in the present, then there is not much to be scared of. There is no fear to hold you back or adjust your vision into something worse than it actually is.
A coward’s way of living is to turn back from all that life has to offer. Life then becomes too depressing.**
