By Sparklle Rainne (They/Them)|Updated June 21, 2022
Setting boundaries can be necessary for your personal health, the peace and health of your relationships, and other parts of life. However, boundary setting isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to setting boundaries with family members. So, why does it feel so tough to set boundaries with family? How do you shift to a place where you can set boundaries with family, and what are the benefits of doing so? Today, we’ll answer those questions and talk about how to find help in the process if you need it.
Why does it feel harder to set boundaries with family?
A prevalent obstacle in setting boundaries with family is the fear that they won’t take it well. One of the most common reasons why it can be tough to set boundaries with family members is that they don’t have boundaries of their own or that it wasn’t standard to set boundaries in your family dynamic when you were growing up (and perhaps that continues to be the case). Whereas we choose our friends – and, as such, our friends might have knowledge and perception of boundary-setting that’s more up-to-speed with our own – we don’t choose our family, and your family may be entirely new to the concept of boundary setting. This could be true for a number of different reasons, such as their own upbringing or generational differences.
There might be an adjustment period when you start setting boundaries with family, which is when personal stress related to setting boundaries might show up the most. Accordingly, it’s crucial to ensure that your boundaries are firm and clear. It is possible that family members may cross, disrespect, or steamroll over your boundaries. This doesn’t mean that it’s time to give up – instead, it may mean that additional support, such as that of a mental health professional, or that instilling boundaries with yourself (like telling yourself, “even if it’s tough, I told my family member that I will hang up the phone if my family member starts to yell, and I will follow through in doing so.”) is your next move.
It’s also relevant to state that family life, in general, is a very sensitive topic for many people. We all have different relationships with our families, and in family relationships that are more complex or that have a difficult, emotionally painful history, it can make boundary setting more difficult. None of this means that hope is lost! Understanding the benefits of boundary setting, and having a plan for how you’ll instill them, can help.
What are the benefits of boundary setting?
Despite challenges, setting boundaries can be necessary, and there are a number of advantages that can come with it. These advantages aren’t limited to the ones you’ll see for yourself alone, either, such as in increase in self-respect, self-confidence, and self-understanding. Benefits of boundary setting include:
· Better relationships. Many would say that the number one benefit to setting boundaries is the improvement it can lead to in relationships, including familial relationships, friendships, and romantic relationships. Though it can be tough initially, once boundaries are in place and adjustment has occurred, setting boundaries means that you will face less resentment and other such benefits to interpersonal connections. Have you ever resented or gotten upset with a family member for crossing a boundary that you didn’t set? For example, for bringing up a certain topic, calling you a certain nickname, sharing your personal information with others, or for teasing you in a way you don’t like? If so, this can cause strain in your relationship. By stating your needs and ensuring they’re met on your own behalf through boundary-setting, relationships can feel better and become healthier.
· Personal health and wellbeing. Setting boundaries and sticking to them means that your needs are more apt to be met. If you have kids, it may even be a means of supporting them. For example, perhaps your child’s grandma brings up sensitive, potentially unhelpful topics, like weight and dieting, frequently. You find that it’s unhelpful for your mental health, and you want to support healthier thoughts and cultivate a healthier environment for your kid(s), at least in their home or family life. This is an example of a time where you might set a boundary such as, “if you bring this topic up, I will have to leave/hang up the phone/etc. Maybe, you can tell us a story about ___ instead?”
· Self-confidence and assertiveness. Boundary-setting can help with self-confidence, and it is a practice in becoming more assertive.
· Improved communication. The practice of boundary setting helps you communicate your needs.
· Increased respect for other people’s boundaries. Sometimes, people who have trouble with boundary setting or don’t set necessary boundaries don’t respect other people’s boundaries, or they may be more apt to take them personally. Setting your own boundaries can mean improved respect for other people’s boundaries, both emotionally and tangibly.
There are different kinds of boundaries. Types of boundaries you might use with family include but aren’t limited to time boundaries, physical boundaries, material boundaries, and emotional boundaries.
Time boundaries help you manage and protect your time. An example of a time boundary might be, “we will have to head out at 5 PM.”
Physical boundaries relate to physical space and touch. An example of a physical boundary might be limits you set on how you’re touched (“I’m not comfortable with giving X a kiss on the cheek. Can we hug instead?”
Material boundaries relate to finances and personal possessions. An example of a material boundary might be “I can’t loan you money.”
An emotional boundary relates to your feelings and emotions. An example of an emotional boundary might be, “I understand that you don’t mean anything by it, but it hurts my feelings when you use that nickname. Please call me by my first name instead.”
Intellectual and sexual boundaries are two other types of boundaries you might apply or notice.
How to set boundaries with family
Especially for those who aren’t used to setting boundaries quite yet, it can be beneficial to have a plan. Using a time boundary as an example, here are some steps you might take:
· Think about what you’ll say in advance. Make sure that your boundary is clear, and think of how you will verbalize it. For those who are new to setting boundaries, roleplaying may be helpful. It is common for therapists to role play boundary setting with their clients, and if you work with a therapist, you may be able to ask your therapist to do that.
· Prepare for pushback. Think, in advance, about what you can do to instill and stick with your boundary if there’s pushback. For example, “I know that I asked you to please not make negative comments about my spouse. If you put my spouse down while we are on the phone again, I will need to hang up.”
· Use self-care after the fact. Even when you know that it’s the healthiest thing for you to do, setting boundaries with family can be tough. Self-care can be both valuable and anecdotal to this. Self-care might look like speaking with your support system, doing something kind for yourself (listening to a favorite podcast, making art, taking a bath, and so on), or using outlets and coping skills you know are helpful for you, like physical activity or breathing exercises.
· Set boundaries with yourself. There are times when people won’t respect boundaries, and at that point, what could happen is that you need to set a boundary with yourself. What does that mean? It is just like setting a boundary with another person, but this time, you set it with you. Let’s say that you set a boundary with a family member by asking them not to tease you about a specific topic or call you a certain nickname. If they do, this is where you might say, “I know that I stated that I am not comfortable with being called that/with that topic being brought up. If you do say it again, I will have to leave.” The boundary you set with yourself, then, might be that you leave if they continue. It is tough, but this enforces your boundary and helps you protect yourself. Again, self-care can be imperative in these situations.
If you need help with boundary setting, self-care, coming up with ways to phrase your boundaries and needs, or something else, speaking with a therapist or counselor can help. Boundaries are important for the health of ourselves and our relationships, and while learning to set them can take time, it is something you deserve to do. You can find a therapist to work with face-to-face, or you can connect with a therapist who offers remote sessions.
Online therapy is a safe space to discuss setting boundaries with family, work on ways to navigate familial relationships as a whole, and virtually anything else that’s on your mind. Research shows that online therapy is effective in helping individuals who face a wide range of concerns, and even better, it’s often more affordable when compared to the cost of traditional, in-person therapy sessions or services. There are over 20,000 licensed, independent mental health professionals with a range of different specialties who provide therapy through the BetterHelp platform. When you sign up for Betterhelp, you’ll take a short questionnaire that’ll help us match you with a provider who meets your needs. If you need to do so at any point in time, we make it easy to switch the therapist you work with through BetterHelp or cancel your plan. Financial aid may be available for those who need it.
Are you ready to try it? Click here to get started, or read the therapist reviews and FAQs on the BetterHelp website to learn more. You deserve quality care, and we’re here to help.
Commonly asked questions on this topic found below:
What are examples of boundaries in a family?
How do you set boundaries with difficult family members?
What are some healthy boundaries to set with family?
How do you set boundaries in a joint family?
What to do when your family won’t respect your boundaries?
How do adults set boundaries with family? **
